Unpacking my baggage

"Please slow it down There’s a secret magic past world That you only notice when you’re looking back at it And all I wanna do is turn around I'm going down to sleep on the bottom of the ocean Cause I couldn’t let go when the water hit the setting sun Cause I couldn’t let go of the passing moment gone" White Daisy Passing - Rocky Votolato Grabbed a formspring account. Am uncertain as to how it'll play out for me. Consider this a trial period. Don't want to publicly display it on Facebook for it'd mean putting on show everything . Will leave it on this site for now. I believe this space of mine is relatively unknown. Should I be making more of an effort to publicise it? I'm not sure if I'm ready for the judgement and feedback on something so intimate and personal to me. I don't want to post everything up on a social networking site and basically, throw praises and congralutions at myself. I don't wish for the passing compliments to provide ...

How are you supposed to know when you are absolutely, completely okay? Are there meant to be signs that rain down into your life and spark the epiphany? Because honestly...how does it all work? How does one go about recognising this abstract and complex concept of self-fulfillment? I feel as though I need the concrete proof to show that I’m okay. I know that being ‘okay’ is but an idea; a projection that you place upon yourself. You are the one that defines how okay you are. You draw your own perimeters and set your own boundaries. When you feel okay, you should instantly know it - a recognition is triggered. But I feel I keep running back to this very topic. I’m always looking for some sort of external approval. Rather than seeking it from within myself, I look elsewhere in other people. "Tell me please, that I’m okay" - as though I don’t trust my own judgment. But it’s true, I don’t. I am so subject to change. I am fickle. Therefore, I don’t trust myself. Therefore, I never...

So I'm sitting on a train to work at 8 in the morning, there's no sun and rain is sprinkling. Despite the fatigue that lingers and lulls in my body, I'm thinking, 'Damn, things are pretty okay'. I may have, from time to time, whined about being stuck in a routine, but it's so like me, that at the same time, I enjoy it. Who am I to deny that I am indeed a closet lover of the safer option, schedules and comfort. I enjoy boredom. Oxymoron? I appreciate knowing what will come next, yet, at the same time I thrive upon the idea of spontaneity. And this is exactly where it feels like I'm constantly at crossroads. Let me know when you have figured out a way to balance the two.