Family

 This is going to be a hard one to write. 

I want to start a family. Soon. I have always known I would want to one day, but it was never with such a sense of urgency as when I truly saw the frailty of life within my parents last year. Since then, with bated breath, I have waited for when the time can come. 

It has gotten to the point where I obsess over it. I think about it all the time. I crave it. Some days it's hard to decipher whether the thought is my own or it's my grief and anxiety talking. 

I want a baby to show my parents I can do it. I want to see the same look of pride and affection on their faces when they hold their grandchild. I want to see them smile and be happy when I tell them the news. I want to see them dote over the baby and I want to see them teach the baby all the little things. I want them to see the milestones and be there. I want so so badly for this to happen. 

My brother said my dad's joy is my nephew. He is what keeps my dad going and makes his days infinitely better. I want so badly to bring more of that joy into my parents' lives, to heal their aches and pain, to make things better for them. 

In some ways, I feel that nothing I do can make it better. I can't fix them and I can't wear the pain for them. I'm painfully aware that time is not on our side, so all I can do is try to fast forward everything so we get to live the milestones together. 

The last few months, we have been arguing about the timeline of 'when'. I hear myself and I know I am being irrational, but my heart doesn't want to hear it. I'm angry. I'm hurt. I know it's unfair, but I feel like everything is unfair. I'm blinded by this deep desire to do this. Have you ever felt that way before? To want something so bad that you just don't know if it's the right decision anymore.