I am feeling triggered and all of a sudden, I am 10 and stressed about being un-friended and deserted. Although I am well in adulthood, the loss of a friend is making me regress and brings back all those anxious and ruminative feelings. I'm finding myself obsessively thinking about it and I feel that tight feeling in my chest. I feel so fucking anxious and like something is stuck in my throat.
It's like, god forbid someone doesn't like me and want to be my friend. It really is.
Ever since I was little, I have placed such emphasis on friendships or rather, to be liked. I have always tried so much to be liked and have secretly felt pleasure and joy when I was able to make new friends. I think it stems from my early childhood and the struggle with fitting in or being accepted at my first school. There I was bullied and often left alone. I'm psychoanalysing myself but here is where I feel I developed these unhealthy schemas or cognition. I wanted so badly to not feel that way anymore, so I changed my identity literally and went to a new school. I tried to outgrow the timid and bullied little girl.
I remember between the ages of 10 to 17, I would always find myself stressed and heartbroken over friendship falling outs. It was just my worst nightmare and it would happen so frequently. At one point, I ended up with depression and suicide ideation at 13, because having friends, being accepted and belonging was just so damn important to me. I knew I was feeling and reeling over things so much more than my peers. I just felt it all so much more. I always thought I was just extra-sensitive, but a part of me now tells me maybe it was thinking and behaviour instilled from early on.
I thought I had grown out of this when I left high school, but every now and then, it sneaks back up on me. At work and now even in acquaintance-like friendships, I still find myself reacting to the idea of not gelling with someone.
Right now I feel really hurt and although I want to confront the person and demand answers, there is just no point. It is what it is and I need to try to respect their wishes and space. Maybe at some point later in life, said person will be ready to talk about it or to open up again. This is the part of myself I want to change - to accept things for what they are and as they are. To not try to control or change everything in my life.
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