Hi,
There is a lot to unpack. I needed a space to write and get my thoughts out again. It's been 10 years since I last felt something like this - that dark, heavy feeling in your chest, like you can't breathe.
I think about it all the time lately. I can't stop thinking about it. I feel sad a lot, but it doesn't debilitate me. I can function, but inherently, I am sad.
The last few days have been crazy. Last week, I had a conversation with a work colleague who was talking about her sessions with her psychologist. She spoke about the type of therapy she was doing and was so open about the work being done. This sparked me to finally look into it myself and that perhaps, it is not so daunting to do this. Then yesterday, another work colleague stopped by the office and ended up having a long, deep chat with me. By chance, I was feeling so down yesterday and having this human being sit down in front of me and look into my eyes and ask me if I'm okay, just made me feel seen and heard. I opened up because we shared some of the same feelings right now. I guess what I'm trying to say is, it feels like I have been getting signs.
Today, I saw my new therapist.
From the moment she asked me why I was here, I burst out crying. There on, I could not hold the tears in. It felt like I had been holding these feelings in for so long. We spoke about mum, dad, life. I didn't realise this but I presented myself differently when I initially spoke to her. She said I spoke about work differently - like I do it because I can't detach myself - but in reality, there are other reasons. I am working so hard like this because I quit a world of advertising, which felt materialistic and misaligned with my values after my parents' health deteriorated. As a result, I started working for charities, but I am not being paid enough, so I work more. And I also work more because I want to reach goals and accomplish things for my parents to see, while they are still here.
She spoke about there being intergenerational trauma. That was a lot, hey. I suppose I had always felt it was normal, my parents being immigrants/refugees and having sacrificed everything to survive. I grew up surrounded by friends and a community of people going through similar situations. I never thought it was anything different. But she really put it out there that this is not normal. The fact that my parents are dying (fuck, even that is hard to say) is not normal. And I need to stop dismissing my feelings because I am comparing what I go through to what I think is normal. Even though it's not. Rude awakening, much?
Honestly, I am scared. I feel like I have already been grieving my parents and our time and future together. I have been freaking out and stressed because I just want to get shit done for them. I want us to get married quicker, to have the house and babies quicker. I want them around and it honestly hurts and angers me so much, the thought they may miss all this. I get frustrated whenever something is in my way and prevents me from achieving those goals. I don't give a fuck about anything else right now, but getting those goals. I work 7 days a week and rarely see my friends, so I can do that. But it's not enough and it never feels enough. Not when there is a hole in your heart.
There is a lot to unpack. I needed a space to write and get my thoughts out again. It's been 10 years since I last felt something like this - that dark, heavy feeling in your chest, like you can't breathe.
I think about it all the time lately. I can't stop thinking about it. I feel sad a lot, but it doesn't debilitate me. I can function, but inherently, I am sad.
The last few days have been crazy. Last week, I had a conversation with a work colleague who was talking about her sessions with her psychologist. She spoke about the type of therapy she was doing and was so open about the work being done. This sparked me to finally look into it myself and that perhaps, it is not so daunting to do this. Then yesterday, another work colleague stopped by the office and ended up having a long, deep chat with me. By chance, I was feeling so down yesterday and having this human being sit down in front of me and look into my eyes and ask me if I'm okay, just made me feel seen and heard. I opened up because we shared some of the same feelings right now. I guess what I'm trying to say is, it feels like I have been getting signs.
Today, I saw my new therapist.
From the moment she asked me why I was here, I burst out crying. There on, I could not hold the tears in. It felt like I had been holding these feelings in for so long. We spoke about mum, dad, life. I didn't realise this but I presented myself differently when I initially spoke to her. She said I spoke about work differently - like I do it because I can't detach myself - but in reality, there are other reasons. I am working so hard like this because I quit a world of advertising, which felt materialistic and misaligned with my values after my parents' health deteriorated. As a result, I started working for charities, but I am not being paid enough, so I work more. And I also work more because I want to reach goals and accomplish things for my parents to see, while they are still here.
She spoke about there being intergenerational trauma. That was a lot, hey. I suppose I had always felt it was normal, my parents being immigrants/refugees and having sacrificed everything to survive. I grew up surrounded by friends and a community of people going through similar situations. I never thought it was anything different. But she really put it out there that this is not normal. The fact that my parents are dying (fuck, even that is hard to say) is not normal. And I need to stop dismissing my feelings because I am comparing what I go through to what I think is normal. Even though it's not. Rude awakening, much?
Honestly, I am scared. I feel like I have already been grieving my parents and our time and future together. I have been freaking out and stressed because I just want to get shit done for them. I want us to get married quicker, to have the house and babies quicker. I want them around and it honestly hurts and angers me so much, the thought they may miss all this. I get frustrated whenever something is in my way and prevents me from achieving those goals. I don't give a fuck about anything else right now, but getting those goals. I work 7 days a week and rarely see my friends, so I can do that. But it's not enough and it never feels enough. Not when there is a hole in your heart.
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