Over the last year or so, I've had to change a lot of things about my life.
The thing is, a lot of times I forget that I am not in high school anymore. Far too often I depend on other people to validate my worthiness. I forget that I'm an adult, out there in the big world, with nothing holding me back. I am not limited to a box that is high school and forced into a particular lifestyle surrounded by the same environment and people. The dependency on others to support me sometimes holds me back from being able to independently make my own decisions and live the way I want. I need to become more equipped in making myself happy - without anybody else's help. I guess I just forget that I can escape; the option is there. I can leave. I can surround myself with happier things... Whatever I decide that will be.
The week in Rome alone was a good starting point. I felt free and fiercely independent, even with just things like dining and exploring a city alone. So then I think to myself, this is something I will want to continue experiencing for the rest of my life: freedom and independence.
If you haven't noticed already, I've come to another crossroad.
Saying goodbye to you has been one of the toughest things to do. God, I love you with all my heart and soul - you are the big love of my life. However, somewhere during this two and a half year journey, I lost myself. I won't deny that it is plain fucking difficult to not have you in my world anymore…but at the same time, I am discovering all these littles things about me and I am really appreciating it. Last week I realised that I can actually enjoy outdoor running - something I would have not been able to convince myself to get out and do because I would have spent my weekends sitting by the laptop, waiting for you to wake up or come home and log on Skype. Little things.
I am feeling like there is so much for me to discover. The best part is it is all unknown and it excites me where I will end up. Maybe with you again the future? Maybe not? But that is okay. I'm sorry that in this very moment, we just don't have the right time nor place to make it all work. I will see you again.
Raison d'être, your ring will be kept safe.
Hey Kimb, I know exactly what you mean by finding out little things for yourself... I hope this decision you've made brings you more fruits than mine did. I hope one day, maybe in a year or so, we can look back on this time and think "fuck, that was hard but I made it" and laugh about it over some wine. xxxxx
ReplyDeletei knew you would understand me best.
ReplyDeletexx