It's been an ongoing tradition of mine to write an end of year letter to myself. So in the spirit of keeping traditions alive, here is my 2011-12 one.
Dear 2011,
You have been quite a journey. I know with me graduating uni and what not, I had extremely high hopes for the year. I can't say I've been disappointed or overjoyed…but instead, it has been rather okay? I'm at a content/happy medium. Life could get worse and life will get better than this.
You started off dealing me with nothing but tears. I used to lie in my bed most nights crying and feeling ridiculously alone. I loathed living and everyday blurred into one massive blob. I was at the bottom of a low. It was hard work but I fought through that. I started pouring all my anger, frustration and helplessness into working out. There were days I'd just spend hours at the gym, never wanting to go home. But then of course, that soon spiralled out of control…but that's another story for another day.
I guess what I'm saying is: you started off shit. I hated you. I was a mess. But now I've come to appreciate you. You put me through so much, that I am incidentally grateful for where I am now. After some trials and tribulations, my family are doing okay and still strong together. I have the job I wished for and that I am growing to love more everyday. I'm still in love. I still have friends. And I know 2012 will be brilliant. Without putting up with you in the beginning, I wouldn't be able to see how lucky I am in the end.
There is no such thing as perfection. The paradox of perfection is that imperfection is perfect itself. Flaws are a reoccurring theme and the reason why you've made me feel upset at times, was because I've been hoping for perfection - the unattainable and unrealistic kind. There will never be a perfect year, but thank god, you gave me something to believe in again by mid-year.
You are the year where I had the courage to take a leap of faith. Buying that plane ticket was a big deal for me - it means defying some family-worshipped logic and values, cashing out my savings, and taking a bet on him and I. You are the year where I recognised my own limitations and vulnerability - I am not a robot, I am breakable. You are the year where I learnt to be patient and to compromise - relationships have never been more challenging. You are the year where I have felt somewhat independent and actually made any progress towards my goals and ambitions.
With 2012 coming in, as ridiculous and pathetic as this sounds, I am constantly wondering what we will all do if the end was near…I keep thinking (my future children who read this will be so ashamed), 'what if tomorrow never comes'…? No seriously, if tomorrow was 'the last day on earth', I know where I'd want to be. So what is stopping me from dropping everything and being there? This is the question I ask myself every single day.
My brother will be 'officially' engaged tomorrow - how amazing is this? My brother is a prime example of someone who I believe to be the complete opposite to me…but the more I look at this, the more I realise, we are actually pretty fucking similar. He is an advocate for fate and destiny. He believes in fortunes and long story short, his fiancé, he believes, was always meant to be his. Written in the stars, he was going to find her at this time and their future is concrete.
And there is nothing there that would make me want to dispel this. I only want him to be happy and if this is what he believes in, then I wholeheartedly wish the same for him.
Up until today though, I have thought about how absurd this is: him making a life decision based on what some old man who can read some ancient signs says. But then I thought to Cosmin. I have (despite what I may say from time to time) held onto this belief that we are 'meant to be'. That we found each other across space and time, and it's a sign written in the skies that our future is our fate. More than anything, I say to myself, there is no such thing as wondering 'what if'. I stop myself because I do not want to ruin the magic. So I keep believing and keep saying that this is it. Why the fuck else would we fall in love? It would be cruel to break this up after everything we've been through.
And now as I sit here, I realise I have been just like my brother. It may work for him, but I don't want to believe that I have no say in where my life goes. I choose to be with Cosmin because it is what I want and feel, not because I think it's a higher order or predestined path. It's a simple matter of truth for me right now.
So, 2011, it feels like we've come to a full circle. I accept that I will not always get what I want and shit happens generally, but I'm just going to deal with it. 2012, by the time you're over, I may not be the same person, have the same friends, relationships or jobs...That's cool with me. My life may take on some more stark turns, but I'd like to at least believe that whatever does happen, I will be in complete control of my direction and actions.
Please be reasonable.
Yours,
Kimb
Dear 2011,
You have been quite a journey. I know with me graduating uni and what not, I had extremely high hopes for the year. I can't say I've been disappointed or overjoyed…but instead, it has been rather okay? I'm at a content/happy medium. Life could get worse and life will get better than this.
You started off dealing me with nothing but tears. I used to lie in my bed most nights crying and feeling ridiculously alone. I loathed living and everyday blurred into one massive blob. I was at the bottom of a low. It was hard work but I fought through that. I started pouring all my anger, frustration and helplessness into working out. There were days I'd just spend hours at the gym, never wanting to go home. But then of course, that soon spiralled out of control…but that's another story for another day.
I guess what I'm saying is: you started off shit. I hated you. I was a mess. But now I've come to appreciate you. You put me through so much, that I am incidentally grateful for where I am now. After some trials and tribulations, my family are doing okay and still strong together. I have the job I wished for and that I am growing to love more everyday. I'm still in love. I still have friends. And I know 2012 will be brilliant. Without putting up with you in the beginning, I wouldn't be able to see how lucky I am in the end.
There is no such thing as perfection. The paradox of perfection is that imperfection is perfect itself. Flaws are a reoccurring theme and the reason why you've made me feel upset at times, was because I've been hoping for perfection - the unattainable and unrealistic kind. There will never be a perfect year, but thank god, you gave me something to believe in again by mid-year.
You are the year where I had the courage to take a leap of faith. Buying that plane ticket was a big deal for me - it means defying some family-worshipped logic and values, cashing out my savings, and taking a bet on him and I. You are the year where I recognised my own limitations and vulnerability - I am not a robot, I am breakable. You are the year where I learnt to be patient and to compromise - relationships have never been more challenging. You are the year where I have felt somewhat independent and actually made any progress towards my goals and ambitions.
With 2012 coming in, as ridiculous and pathetic as this sounds, I am constantly wondering what we will all do if the end was near…I keep thinking (my future children who read this will be so ashamed), 'what if tomorrow never comes'…? No seriously, if tomorrow was 'the last day on earth', I know where I'd want to be. So what is stopping me from dropping everything and being there? This is the question I ask myself every single day.
My brother will be 'officially' engaged tomorrow - how amazing is this? My brother is a prime example of someone who I believe to be the complete opposite to me…but the more I look at this, the more I realise, we are actually pretty fucking similar. He is an advocate for fate and destiny. He believes in fortunes and long story short, his fiancé, he believes, was always meant to be his. Written in the stars, he was going to find her at this time and their future is concrete.
And there is nothing there that would make me want to dispel this. I only want him to be happy and if this is what he believes in, then I wholeheartedly wish the same for him.
Up until today though, I have thought about how absurd this is: him making a life decision based on what some old man who can read some ancient signs says. But then I thought to Cosmin. I have (despite what I may say from time to time) held onto this belief that we are 'meant to be'. That we found each other across space and time, and it's a sign written in the skies that our future is our fate. More than anything, I say to myself, there is no such thing as wondering 'what if'. I stop myself because I do not want to ruin the magic. So I keep believing and keep saying that this is it. Why the fuck else would we fall in love? It would be cruel to break this up after everything we've been through.
And now as I sit here, I realise I have been just like my brother. It may work for him, but I don't want to believe that I have no say in where my life goes. I choose to be with Cosmin because it is what I want and feel, not because I think it's a higher order or predestined path. It's a simple matter of truth for me right now.
So, 2011, it feels like we've come to a full circle. I accept that I will not always get what I want and shit happens generally, but I'm just going to deal with it. 2012, by the time you're over, I may not be the same person, have the same friends, relationships or jobs...That's cool with me. My life may take on some more stark turns, but I'd like to at least believe that whatever does happen, I will be in complete control of my direction and actions.
Please be reasonable.
Yours,
Kimb
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