Unpacking my baggage

You were the first to make me feel that way. The first to make me feel so comfortable and at ease with my mind, my body and my soul. Myself. We got to know every bit of each other...I knew all lines on your face, the freckles on your skin, the veins on your body. I knew your temperament, your thoughts, your heart. We knew each other so well. My mind keeps flashing back to those lazy afternoons of lying on your chest, talking and laughing. Your fingers would trace my skin and I would hold onto you so tightly. Back then, I could not bear to let you go. I wanted to stay there with you forever (if only). But then what happened? How do people fall out of love just like that? Last weekend, I made plans to go on a date. Everything was going well, until I backed out right at the last minute. I couldn't will myself to go because I just kept thinking back to you. What if it's really awkward and uncomfortable? What if he turns out to be a retard? What if he isn't funny? What i...

http://instagram.com/mollyteacup I wish my life was one of the happy scenes in movies where she's driving down the beach road in an open top car. Her hair blows effortlessly in the wind, the sun is glistening against her skin and she throws her arms in the air. Fuck yeah. Roadtrip soon, anyone?

I've had a little more time to think about things. Thank you to the few people I have openly spoken to about this - it's all been put into perspective and it's sinking in for me now... First of all, I need to accept that this is you trying to move on. I need to be genuinely and whole-heartedly happy for you. None of this pretend bullshit. I need to actually be glad that you will be leaving and transforming your life without me. Ouch, without me? Out of everything, the 'without me' is truthfully the damn hardest part to comprehend and swallow. It's a stark reminder of the future we were meant to carve out together...not separately. Secondly, I need to accept that I have not entirely moved on either. I've walked around in a haze these last weeks and thought I had successfully maneuvered myself through the grieving process efficiently and effectively. I even had a big meltdown during the earlier stages and thought the worst was over, but lord, how prematur...

How ironic that after I made the post below, I received a surprise from you.  I just want you to be okay. Be as mean and as cruel as you need to be - I do not blame you.  Even if everything you're doing now is basically a big 'fuck you' to me, that is fine also. I am just waiting for you to forgive me and forget me. Leave. You and I need to do better.

Over the last year or so, I've had to change a lot of things about my life.  The thing is, a lot of times I forget that I am not in high school anymore. Far too often I depend on other people to validate my worthiness. I forget that I'm an adult, out there in the big world, with nothing holding me back. I am not limited to a box that is high school and forced into a particular lifestyle surrounded by the same environment and people. The dependency on others to support me sometimes holds me back from being able to independently make my own decisions and live the way I want. I need to become more equipped in making myself happy -  without anybody else's help. I guess I just forget that I can escape; the option is there. I can leave. I can surround myself with happier things... Whatever I decide that will be.  The week in Rome alone was a good starting point. I felt free and fiercely independent, even with just things like dining and exploring a city alone...